i blindly watch as the world goes by...i cant change the way i feel inside
Monday, Nov. 18, 2002, 11:56 pm
yeah well its 4 minutes til midnite. and i no i should go 2 bed considering im gonna b so tired 2morrow...my eye lids are so heavy...but im @ that point where u get so tired u cant sleep. yeah i no it doesnt sound rite...but it makes sense i promise.
yesterday wus surprising. jon called me @ like 12:30...i mean he'd told me he would call but i never actually thought he would remember 2. it wus a nice feeling. yeah so we talked awhile and such. and then his phone died so i went 2 bed @ 1.
2day was a pretty good day. i didnt feel fatigued @ all...so i guess my lack of sleep will hit me 2morrow...damn. but yeah...everything just kind of flowed...nuthin bad happened. every1 seemed 2 b in a relatively good mood...yay 4 ppl. i had 2 take a wld history test afterskool...yeah really kool feeling when u dont no nething on the test. o yeah and i got this lovely letter in the mail from the skool warning me of ea-ing. it seems a bit ridiculous 4 them 2 b sending me this now b cuz according 2 their records ive missed 4 days 1-4 per. and 5 days 5 and 6 per. im like ok great thanx 4 sharing...i dont ea until i hit 8 absences...but w/e. seem kind of pointless 2 me. but yeah then i came home w/ plans on takin a nap but then i became wrapped up in other things and b4 i new it it wus 5:15. so it wus kind of pointless goin 2 sleep then considerin id be wakin up in a hour and a half. lol cuz we cant miss 7th heaven and everwood. ah thats unthinkable. so yeah newayz.
ah im doin my best 2 make things right between me and a friend...distant friend of mine. circumstances that im 2 blame for have caused us 2 separate...kinda by choice of that person...and i completely understand y. ah but i hope things can get better...they seem 2 b lookin up but i could b speaking too soon. ive got sum major apologizing and explaining and such 2 do 2morrow...so hopefully i can redeem myself enough 2 b put back in2 that persons good graces. ah i still feel like shit. but no point in dwelling on the past rite...kinda just leaves u sitting in a pile of ur own shit. yeah...pretty nasty image.
my mamas been really testy lately and i dont no y. but yeah everything seems 2 b taken out on me...cuz yes of course its my fault the comp wont work and i do this and i do that...and everything i do doesnt accomodate the much more importand schedule of my sister. grr. sumtimes i dont understand ppl. yeah...u no wut i mean.
its amazing how sumtimes can u b totally surrounded by ppl u luv and who luv u in return...but still manage 2 feel alone. i dunno. that feeling sneaks upon me sumtimes...alot lately...and u get kind of hollow inside...with a feeling like ur presence doesnt matter. i no alot of the time it doesnt...like friday when nobody called me back 2 do nething and they ended up goin 2 the haunted house. yeah that really hurt...and i no ppl blow it off likes its no big deal ok they just 4got...but it dus hurt. i felt so discarded...i mean the fact that nobody takes in2 consideration the fact that im not there...especially when they new i had nada 2 do...and nobody seems 2 miss me being there. and then saturday jon and mei lee planned like some barbeque thing i hear and it wus never mentioned 2 me. i guess they just didnt want me there. which i guess i can understand. i am pretty unbearable 2 b around sumtimes. but uh i called mei lees cell and pager and she didnt return my calls...and i left jon a message and he didnt return my calls. the only person who seems 2 faithfully answer the phone or call me back in that group is adam...and most of the time rodney. lately it seems like im not wanted around. and im not missed when im gone. yeah thats a hard blow 2 take.
im really liking this friendship im forming with jessica. shes such an amazing person...filled w/ an abundance of energy and creativity and insightment...i luv her so much. thanx 4 talkin w/ me saturday nite honey...and thanks 4 letting me stay. i really enjoyed just chillin w/ ya. but yeah her and i have plans 2 grill fajitas 1 of these days in the near future since i 4got 2 call her when i made mine 2nite. sorry emperess! u didnt miss much...they didnt taste as good as they do when theyr grilled, neway.
my eyes hurt...but i dont seem 2 b that exhausted...im just drained.
im very excited about next week. happy early turkey day everyone! but yeah were goin 2 my grandmas house in new jersey sunday and monday, and then we drive 2 my uncle and aunts house on tuesday and we stay there the rest of the time. thursday we all drive in 2 pennsylvania 4 thanxgiving dinner @ jim's(my aunt lee's fiance) house. monday were goin in2 new york city, and saturday we go in as well. were gonna c the new broadway musical 'movin out'...its based on billy joel music...and 'into the woods' 1 of my all time fave broadway musicals. so yes im excited about that. and my aunt lee's jerk-ass sons wont b w/ us most of the week...only thursday nite really...so im relieved about that. i think im gonna get a lot of time 2 sit and think and read :-) just 4 myself...except 4 the times that my sister is nagging me 2 entertain her. ive gotta b nice 2 her...her bdays on the 26th...happy bday carly. shes not so horrible all the time...only when shes beggin 4 attention...cuz we all no it's my responsibility 2 appease her. o well...this is wut family is all about rite?
kinda lonely 2nite. i talked 2 mike 4 a lil bit earlier and then sum more around 9:30...but i had 2 let him go cuz i had 2 help my mother w/ our stupid computer that will only start up correctly every 3rd time u restart it. stupid stupid computer. its about 4 years old so its time 4 a new 1 newayz. @ least its not as bad as the 1 @ my dad...sheesh thats a dinosaur.
2morrow after skool kevins takin me 2 chick-fil-a. lol the other day he said hed buy me food 2 make up 4 bein a meany-head...yeah and i held him 2 that promise...lol go me free food! yeah so were gonna go eat...he dusnt seem 2 mind bein w/ just me...like w/ out other ppl around. like w/ jon or mei lee or rodney or adam...nobody really likes spending time w. just me...chillin w/ just me. they can do it w/ each other all the time...but eh a little of me goes a long way. theyr better friends neway so its not like i should expect different...it would just b kinda nice 2 no ur wanted around sumtimes. and w/ kris and kerri...yeah im never alone w/ either of them nemore...its barely ever just the 3 of us...but eh were still tight. and i no well stay that way...we dont need constant connection. were stronger than that. i wish my friendships w/ adam or rodney or mei lee and even jon sum more could grow 2 b stronger. cuz eh especially w/ lee and rodney and adam they seem 2 b sumwut weak...even though adam is always there 4 me. but we dont ever talk like we used 2. i dont really talk 2 ne of them like i used 2. but hey look im dwelling on the past again. bad habit...need 2 kick it. i wonder if they have a 12 step program 4 that.
ok kids im gonna go straighten my hair and such. sheesh its late. and im feeling my exhaustion. im gonna b dead 2morrow. o well...i go 2 write and thats all that matters.
p.s....im pondering opening a new diary just 4 my creative literature side. i plan 2 inclue song lyrics...stories i write...poems <--by me and others...songs by me...i dunno just different stuff. IM me or email me or sign my guestbook or call me w/ feedback on wut u think...itd b sumthin different. i think ill do it.
Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden