sunrise to sunset...sleep deprivation
Wednesday, Nov. 20, 2002, 10:45 pm
yeah so...yeah.
i didnt get 2 bed til 3 this mornin...or last nite...or however u wanna say it. woke up @ 6...yeah that wus fun. as of this morning...id gotten 17 hours of sleep in 4 days. woo hoo! i wusnt really tired 2day though...just drained. i dunno. it wusnt good. these bad sleepin habits arent good 4 my health.
um de dum. after skool nick came and got me and we just chilled 4 awhile. drove around...went 2 chevron. o yes exciting stuff. lol but o0o0o i got 2 show him my board! its so kick ass...totally covered in some great pics of all my buddies. i luv them so much. but yeah so i wus excited cuz i worked really hard on that board...its huge...54 pictures! lol.
so yeah then i came home and slept from 4 til 8. i wus exhausted. then my bitch sister was blaring the tv so she could hear it 5 million feet away...so it woke me up and i wus cranky. i soon got outta my bad mood though and ate dinner while watchin THE BACHELOR! he picked the girl w/ the annoying laugh...but he luvs her and thats all that matters. lol to all u bachelor hatas out there...u suck. hehe jk but yeah i no its a horrible show...but very addictive. theyr doin a bachelorette come january so im excited about that.
yeah so i wus readin mei lees live journal 2nite...like past entries and stuff cuz i never really read it before...and i realized that i wus right...she really doesnt like me. and i dunno...when i read her journal i get a totally different perspective on all the things ive dun and i realized shes rite. and i feel like shit cuz i never knew i made her feel that way...i wish she wouldve just said sumthin 2 me. but i understand y she didnt and i guess i appreciate her 4 that. i dunno. now i really wanna work things out w/ her...but i dunno how willing she is 2 reconcile our differences. i guess ill just wait 4 her 2 call or sumthin. i dont wanna push her...shed probably just end up hating me more. i wish id never screwed things up...i mean i didnt no i wus doin it @ the time...thats mistake #1 rite there...but ugh now that i c wut i did i feel so stupid...like shit. cuz i no i ruined a great friendship cuz of sum damn stupid mistakes of mine. i was readin 1 of her entries where she didnt really approve of the way i tossed aside things that bothered me when it came 2 people...jon especially. like i dunno...i wus readin it and i realized she wus rite. and im mad @ myself 4 bein so submissive when it came 2 him. cuz ive never been like that. she wus right...i was scared that id lose him...and thats y i kept it 2 myself. no i regret not confronting him about alot of that stuff. ah and id luv 2 get in his face about it now...but itd b totally pointless and unfair 2 him...theres no reason 4 it. so ill 4get about it. but newayz back 2 my original point...i hope her and i can settle our differences and b friends...but i dunno. whenever im around her w/ other ppl i always feel like this bad vibe emanating from her towards me...like im intruding on her space and she really dusnt want me there. and if thats the case id rather her tell me...and then id know better and wouldnt invade her space. i dont wanna b the person she always dreads inviting newhere...the person she dusnt wanna get stuck sittin next 2. i want her 2 have fun and b happy w/ her friends...i dunno. hopefully things will get better. @ the moment i really dont no wut im sposed 2 do 2 improve things. i dont really like the way it is...but i can understand totally if she dusnt really wanna get close 2 me or wut not. id just rather no instead of wondering. but i guess all i can do now is wait 4 sum sign...eh but knowin me ill b 2 blind 2 c it. god i fuck up 2 easily w. out even knowing it...and look where it gets me...bad friendships.
i regret alot of the things ive dun. now i can only hope 2 do better...but my track record dusnt provide high hopes.
2morrow mornin nick and i are goin 2 mickey d's b4 skool 4 breakfast. i bought him gas 2day so hes gonna buy me food. it wus gonna b me, kris, kerri, nick, and mike...but mikes smokin 2morrow mornin and kerri and kris dont wanna get up that early lol understandably. so yeah itll b just nick and me. i kinda wish every1 else was goin...mike and i are in a rocky place rite now...i dunno...theres sum unspoken of animosity...i dont like it. but hopefully itll resolve itself. and i barely c kris and kerri nemore...so i wish they were goin. i mean kris is always w/ adam and kerris w/ stuart and wut not...i dunno. i no i dont put forth the greatest effort 2 do stuff w/ them all the time...but i dont wanna invade on their time w/ their boyfriends...plus i hate gettin shot down by them when i hear theyve already got plans. i luv them so much...i no well b alrite. i just kinda wish they were goin. but itll b kool...the whole point wus 2 chill w/ nick and mike b4 they leave friday mornin 4 canada...but eh o well. itll still b fun. nick and i have been gettin a lot closer lately. hes an awesum guy...yea so im glad. um de dum.
jon and mike didnt call me back 2nite...thats kind of dissapointing. o well.
have u ever stayed up all nite...just waitin 4 the sun 2 rise? its so awesum 2 watch...ah and for a moment while it rises...u get this great fulfilled feeling of peacefulness...and a whole world of optimism opens up...if only 4 a brief moment. sunsets are great 2 watch also...theyr so beautiful...they kinda close off the day and give u a second just 2 step back and breathe b4 having 2 dive in 2 all the shit and problems of life again. i recommend for every1 to make his/her fave hot drink...be it coffee, hot chocolate, tea...w/e...and take it outside w/ u...sit on ur driveway or in ur backyard...go 2 the park...or take a walk...and just watch the sun set and enjoy the serenity of it...its kind of renewing. ull feel better...and the warm drink will protect ur insides from the cold lol.
ah! 2 more days. i really need this break. im glad were goin up north. ill get alot of time 2 sit and read and think by myself...which i enjoy. ill miss every1 though...i hope every1 has an awesum thanxgiving break...happy early turkey day.
i got that feeling again 2day...ppl dont like 2 b around me when its just me and them. im aggravating or annoying or downright boring...or sumthin. i dunno...nick and i can chill 2gether and its kool...so can kevin and i...sumtimes mike and i are kool...but like w/ adam...he cant seem 2 want or b able 2 chill w/ just me anymore. mei lee never could and i hate that...things seem so uncomfortable between us...i hate it so much. i never meant 2 hurt her. i wish id known then what i no now...but im not gonna dwell. wuts dun is dun. and jon cant ever b alone w/ me...its like im the last person hed ever want 2 just chill w/. its an awful feeling...and i may b makin a big deal out of nuthin...but yeah it bothers me. and i never get alone time w/ kerri or kris nemore...but i think both sides are 2 blame...i dont put in enough effort 2 c them all the time...so i cant complain. sheesh i wish i could improve all these relationships w/ all these ppl...cuz i luv them so much...but it seems 2 b an impossibility rite now...i wouldnt no where 2 begin. mayb this next week away from every1 will make things better...give them sum time away from me...give me sum time 2 myself.
stuarts bein a stupid boy and so him and kerri are 'bickering.' i luv u kerri! dont worry...itll all settle out...weve all got our reasons.
agh! yeah ok so u no that damn outline i wus up til 4eva doin last nite...yeah well mines not due til the monday we get back after thanxgiving. i wus so pissed!!! relieved...but pissed. it wus a big waste of time i couldve used...SLEEPING!. lol i better b able 2 sleep in next week or all hells gonna break loose. hehe.
the designer im gettin my new template from has still yet 2 send me the html 4 my page. lol i no im impatient but id wish shed hurry up! lol nah i really do appreciate wut shes doin 4 me...she dus awesum work. but yeah i hope i get it soon...i really ready 2 change my template. now all i gotta do is decide on a title.
ah 2nite i wus comin up w/ sum great ideas of stuff 2 get ppl 4 xmas. im very excited...if i follow my ideas...every1s gift will b unique...w/ lil meanings only they and i understand. yes indeed-y im excited...i luv xmas!!!
ok i really need 2 go straighten my hair now cuz i gotta wake up extra early 2morrow 4 breakfast...so i luv u all and ill ttyl.
p.s....sign my guestbook!!!...c'mon...i no u wanna.
Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden