emergence
Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2002, 9:52 pm
wow i havent updated in 4eva.
hi yes ive finally emerged from that hole ive been hiding in.
lol i wus actually avoiding summarizing my thanxgiving trip...and since that wus so long ago...i dont feel obligated 2 do so nemore. la de da. so onto new things.
um. yeah our 'holiday concert' 4 choir wus last nite. it wusnt as good as it couldve been...and we had 1 of the wost audiences ever. really rude and talkin the whole time...made me really mad. but yeah i wus kinda dissapointed cuz nobody came and saw me...like mike and nick and jon and mei lee and adam and jess...nun of them came. but kerri and kris and stuart came so i wus very happy and excited 2 c them after the show. i really appreciated them being there 2 support me. i wish every1 else would have joined them. o well.
this mike thing is really starting 2 get 2 me. i never meant 2 hurt him...and i dont wanna lose him. but everyday we talk...like online...and its fine...until like 15 minutes or so in2 the convo he brings up all this shit again. and theres nuthin i can do about it. i feel like such a bitch 4 wut i did...but i cant control how i feel. and its not fair 2 me 4 him 2 continually bring this up. i feel horrible. i do. but theres nuthin i can do. and i understand this isnt sumthin he can just shake off...but he dusnt hafta throw it in my face every damn day and make me feel like shit all over again. o well i guess this is wut i deserve 4 doing wut i did. now i just gotta take it.
ah im so glad xmas break is almost here. i have 2 take all my fuckin finals next week...well except choir of course...cuz ive been absent so much so that sux...but eh then its xmas time and i luv it. i really cant b unhappy around xmas. it momentarily washes away all of my problems. and i feel good. ah i luv xmas. and i luv giving gifts. ive got so many 2 buy this year. the rush and bustle of xmas occupies my mind enough that i cant think about everything else. i like that.
you are dumb. lol kerri.
i hate lettin myself get like i do. letting my self sink in 2 this self-depricating hole of depression and sadness. ah but sumtimes i cant control it and i dont even no its happening. and then all of a sudden...there i am...drowning in a sea of what if's and if only's and why's...and i hate it. i dont like me like that. and i no every1 else despises me when i get that way. ah but sumtimes i feel so lonely. and i no i have more than a lot of other ppl...and i have no reason 2 feel lonely...i no that and im so greatful for it...but i still get that lonesome feeling sumtime. i dont like it. not one bit. i wish i new how 2 save myself. cuz in the end i no im the only 1 who can.
MEI9898: haha "oh my wonderful citrussy beverage.... how much pleasure you bring me"
hehe shes so great. i luv u mei lee. ill put u in my luggage and well fly 2 cancun...if they ask...i dont no nething. alcohol=orange juice.
blah. so yeah supposedly jon wants 2 learn 2 sing and im gonna teach him. yes...i no wut ur thinkin...crazy talk. true that i dont have the most amazing voice in the world...but i can sing well enough and i no my shit when it comes 2 music. and theres stuff hes gotta learn if he wants 2 go newhere. lol especially how 2 actually read music. yeah that would b useful. blah yeah so im kinda excited...cuz i finally get 2 put my knowledge 2 use...plus im helpin a friend whos helped me many times b4. la de da. now lets just c if we ever actually get around 2 doin it.
i talked 2 scott. yeah finally. i dunno...i guess things are worked out now. it dusnt change nething. but i wanna believe him. so i guess i dont really resent him nemore. i just...ah hate myself. but im dun dwelling on it. im reborn...yeah thanx 2 jon 4 that one.
i really need 2 get more sleep. lol i say that but continue 2 sit here and type. o well. ill sleep over vaca.
im joining a gym. yes over vaca...i guess as a xmas present...im joining a gym. i really need 2 get back in2 shape. especially if im goin 2 cancun...
which reminds me...over spring break...i mite b goin 2 cancun! yes! id go w/ mason, megan, heather, kenneth, mayb allan, mayb lee, doubtfully jon, mayb adam, and i dunno who else. itll b fun though. im very excited.
i wrote a song 2day. lol no that wus not an intro 2 a joke...i actually wrote a song. and im actually quite fond of it. lol i walk around singin it. i need 2 write the music down b4 i 4get pitches and keys and chords and such. but i like it. i really do. i plan on doin a lot of writing...songs, stories...diary entries lol...over xmas break. that and reading. i luv both. i luv the essence of english...lol uh but i hate the class. were readin a stupid book on king arthur next. as if caesar wusnt bad enough. i luv shakespeare...but caesar wus not 1 of his better tragedys...kinda dragged. o well.
i luv jessica mason. she is one of the koolest...best ppl i no. hands down...no ?s asked. lol. and i finally met the infamous kelly...and i approve. shes fun...and im now 1 of her esteemed evil henchmen...very high honor indeed. la de da. yeah that wus kool.
nething else interesting thats happened lately has escaped my mind...but if i remember nething ill update later. or 2morrow. definitely 2morrow. i miss my diary. and i luv my new template. 'lonely'...ah it fits w/ perfection.
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Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden