great day
Thursday, Jan. 29, 2004, 4:17 pm
hello :-)
i know i havent really updated...i updated my other one instead yesterday.
so sorry charlie.
today was pretty good. easy day. and im so relieved that mrs. moore cancelled the quiz tomorrow. no longer do i have the pressure to read an entire chapter tonight.
yay
so i got an interesting reply today from matt j about a note i gave him yesterday. ok...whole story...so i wrote the note...not really planning on giving it to him just cause it wasnt that big of a deal...and i dunno what changed but i gave it to him anyway. and afterward i wouldve much rather taken it back...but o well whats done was done. so yeah i appreciate the fact that he replied...lol i just wish it was just never brought up. i think that the whole thing got minconstrued and assumed to be more than it was. but that happens. lol o well whatever.
i had a bit of an epiphany today...it wasnt really anything new...but it was the 1st time i allowed myself to actually accept it and admit its actuality. and part of that feels good. part of it really sucks...but im glad that im not trying to convince myself otherwise anymore.
i gotta go to the doctor. soon. and hopefully when i get back i wont be so 'fat.' y i had this weird weight gain thing has been mostly figured out...so now i just gotta go get something done about it. i really am scared thought that it will cause permanent damage...and i dont want that.
one thing matt did mention in his note was how everything people say/do doesnt have an underlying meaning or intention. and...i know that. but...ok...its hard to explain. i could explain it to the best of my ability and most people still wouldnt get it...just cause u hafta experience to really understand its impact...y know? i know i do that sometimes...i really try not to...honestly i do. maybe i let stuff get to me more lately and i wasnt noticing...sorry. but i is my nature to expect a hidden intention from people because thats what i was raised with. i was raised by someone who did that...intentionally...uncontrolled...all the time. and i know i cant blame it on him...but thats where ive learned to expect it from. and its a habit thats hard to break. because of him i can be really untrustworthy...and its so frustrating...cause the only person im screwing over is myself. but because it was instilled in me so long ago and i didnt realize his reality until i was older...its there. i hate screwing up things because i allow myself to doubt someone else...i really do. but i like to think that i control it ALOT more than i ever used to. and even when the thoughts come up...i can usually ignore them. sometimes i gotta put it all out there...like write it down or something...but once its all processed...i can push it away and not allow myself to accept the worst assumption. like i said...its really hard for people to completely understand the effect of it all without experiencing it. my mama and i talk about it lately cause we understand how he is and what he does...and im glad to know that im not the only one whos been affected by him. yeah...
so yeah im sorry if it comes off like that to people. i mean im not asking for sympathy or special understanding...but i feel better explaining the way i can sometimes be and not defending it. cause although its really hard to control sometimes...i can. so yeah...sorry.
la de da.
i cant decide if im hungry or not.
people who dont talk cant expect to understand each other.
im not going to my dads house this coming week. and thats a big deal. part of me knows that it would be better for me to leave...to not live there so often and such. but a part of me cant allow myself to blame him for being the way he is...hes completely blind to it...and part of him honestly doesnt know that what hes doing effects people in a negative way. part of me just doesnt think he should be blamed for that...because i know that everything he does thinking its the best thing to do...even if it really isnt. he just...doesnt see it. so yeah...part of me just cant blame him for that.
ok...so the whole point of that babble was just to reiterate that i am officially not going there this week. and thats a big step.
woo hoo
lol supposedly its matt bryans for the super bowl...but i really dont know for sure yet.
the 1st hill, the 2nd hill, and the loop of our rollercoaster work!!! thats so thrilling!!!
ok im...done. plus i really gotta pee. :-)
have a fantastic thursday
Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden