i guess i'll go eat worms
Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004, 11:08 pm
i don't even really know where to begin. i'm so...ah mixed up between how i'm feeling. i go from ticked off to sad and back again. and i can't really make sense of any of it.
if people wanted to spend time w. me...wanted me to be a part of their lives...wouldnt they make the effort to include me? i'm not making any phone calls because i don't have anywhere to invite anyone. but it's a really awesome feeling to find out the next day after calling and texting people that everyone but me was invited out somewhere. and then again tonight plans had already obviously been made and i hafta go outta my way to find out that something is happening...i just again...wasn't invited.
i get it. ok i get it. people don't want me around. i mean...i get to go out to mikes on sunday night and while i'm there having a good time people start talking about me...like...right in front of me...i'm not even 4 feet away...and it's as if they don't even care that i'm in earshot. so then i just got really bummed and upset that nobody really wanted me there afterall.
it's such a horrible feeling to be left out and ignored and never called back...or called in the first place. it's an awful feeling to find out that everyone else is out having fun and you're sitting at home because nobody wanted you to be there enough to take the time to call and invite you. and then i'm ignored til the next afternoon as if i'm not gonna know the difference.
everybodys had some kind of problem with me for awhile...and i know that. but why the hell can't someone just say something to me instead of just trying to subtly push me out of the social circle.
i didn't do anything to anyone. i don't say anything about anyone. all i do is try my best to talk to people and have fun. but it's like no one can have fun while i'm around. they'd rather me just not be there.
but if that's the case then why the hell does no one have the courtesy or the balls or whatever it is to say something to my face instead of going about it the cowardly way.
i mean...no one even wanted to go to galveston with me. not even for the day. no one ever called...even to say that they couldnt come. they were so siked to go that one day...just for the day. and i couldn't go. but then when i'm in galveston for 8 days...eight days...not one person can call or come down or whatever. because no one wants to. why? not because it's galveston. no...that's obviously not the reason. it's because i'm the one extending the invitation. i'm the one they'd hafta spend time with.
the only reason i've gotten for not being invited is "well it wasn't my place to invite you." ok. i understand that. i completely understand and respect that. but...if they did want me there...wouldn't someone mention "hey...shouldn't we call sarah?" or "why isn't sarah here?"
but it's evident that no one did that.
but of course tonight after i found out what was going...after plans had already been made...then i get an invitation online. more than likely just because they feel bad because now i know that something is happening. more than likely...if i had never asked...no one would have called.
before they've said that it's my fault and i distance myself and whatever. but i make the effort. so many times i've called kristin landua...and she says she'll call me later or call me tomorrow. and she never does. over my week at galveston...after i visited her after her surgery...none. and after her surgery i had to visit her @ home because no one ever told me where she would be or when she'd get home. and i thought that me and matt were kool...like he came over on sunday or whatever. and we'd been talking and hanging out before i left for vaca...but now all of a sudden it's like i'm the last person he wants to talk to or be around. and kristin lontoc never ever calls me or invites me to go anywhere or do anything...she'll barely talk to me online...so...what...should i call her and forcer her to talk to me? it doesn't make any sense!
and people say that i never call. well...if there's stuff going on in ur life that you want me to be a part of...wouldn't you call me? how am i supposed to know that something is going on? if you don't call to tell me or give me details...am i supposed to assume from your lack of contact that you want me to be there? doesnt that make absolutely no sense @ all?
i'm so...frustrated. but actually...more than anything i'm just really upset and sad and hurt and confused. i don't get what i did to piss people off or make them all of a sudden not like me. we all used to get along just fine. but then i guess people started making assumptions about me instead of asking or believing me and then they lost interest in making any sort of effort all together.
i don't really know what i'm supposed to do. i'm not going to force myself to be included when people obviously don't want me there because they don't make the effort to call me while making plans. no one talks to me about anything or whatever either. why should i force myself into it to make people uncomfortable or unhappy?
if they honestly wanted to be friends with me you'd think they'd at least have the decency to be honset with me...to talk to me if they need to...or if they wanted me around they'd have me around.
i just...don't get it.
but i really really hate it.
:-(
i hate not understanding this. and i hate even more being so...shunned by everyone.
Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden