escuela
August 13, 2002, 2:51 pm
agh. so yeah diaryland wouldnt let me get 2 the sign in page last nite. agh it wus crap. so yeah here it goes.
i talked 2 jon yesterday 2 c if he wanted 2 go 2 the movies w/ like me, brandon, grace, adam, and ppl...eh but he said he didnt have ne money. i could tell sumthin wus wrong so i wus like "wuts wrong?"...he said "nuthin"...i said "i dont believe u". so he wus like "ok i no u appreciate the truth and u want me 2 b honest...so i have 2 tell u that im gonna have 2 back off 4 awhile" i wus like "...ok..." (not completely understanding why)...he goes "yeah i mean u no u cant help the way u feel and i cant get her (rachelle...damn her) outta my head. i wish it didnt happen like this this cuz ur a great person and i do care about u...but if i wus 2 pursue things w/ u now...it wouldnt b fair 2 u cuz not all of my attention would b focused on u (i could understand/appreciate that) so yeah im gonna have 2 back off 4 now"...i wus like "ok i understand...i dont like it obviously...but i understand" and then he wus like "and i dunno if nethings ever gonna get started up between us again blah blah blah" lol yeah i couldved told u that. i aint really goin newhere...it wusnt goin newhere...and i dont think it ever will. im not as upset and dissapointed as i thought i would be...i guess @ the end the truth comes out...i guess i didnt like him as much as i thought i did. agh i dunno.
wut dus hurt though is losin yet again 2 another girl. they always choose the other 1...not me...chad, lee, matt, tony (well circumstances make it that way so its more understandable), and now jon. agh. its not fair @ all. i mean its obviously not them...cuz thats alot of them...so its gotta b me. wuts wrong w. me? nobody wants 2 b w/ me. its like this thing i wus readin in a magazine...sum girl wrote in complainin that guys like her 4 2 weeks and then they move on. thats wut they do w/ me...if its even 2 weeks. they never want me 4 keeps...they never wanna stick around. o god...is that how its gonna b when im married? ill b divorced like once a year. ah shit. wuts so wrong w/ me that they dont wanna b w/ me. i mean...i no self doubt just brings u lower...but how can i not doubt myself? i mean...ive gotten passed up a few times...and its all 4 another girl. sumbody better than me...sumbody theyr more attracted 2 physically and mentally...sum1 smarter...sum1 more fun 2 b w/...sum1 whos just downrite better than me. i mean i no im not the best person in the world...far from it actually...but y do i keep finding the guys that are gonna pass me up? i dont get it. not @ all. and 2 think i actually had hopes about this one. i jinxed...as stupid as it sounds...i did...i jinx all of my relationships. ugh. i dont wanna b passed up nemore. and i promised myself i wouldnt b. yeah well good job sarah...u really kept that promise.
i went 2 orientation yesterday mornin. it wus a realy eye-opener...skools gonna b here 2morrow. i really dont wanna go. i mean it wus great seeing everybody again...but agh i dont wanna wake up early....go 2 bed early...sit through classes i dont wanna b in...c ppl i dont wanna c...agh i just would rather stay in my nice comfy bed. and go out everynite. i like goin out everynite. but yeah i dont think i really realized how close skool is until yesterday. haha but i did get sum cute new cy falls shirts...woo hoo eagle pride! haha yeah um so it wusnt a total waste. tons off ppl have crap ass lockers this year...like out in the boonies...way back in the east wing. lol mines good...rite near where it wus last year...but i feel bad 4 all those ppl. lol yeah kristin said shes sharin my locker all year. haha.
i went out w/ cesar, allen, conway, and michael last nite. we chilled in sum gay parking lots...it wus boring...and we stopped by gracies...agh but it wus gay. i had wanted 2 stay in...but allen wouldnt let me. he said he wus comin 2 get me and i didnt have a choice. agh. so yeah it wusnt that great. i wouldve prefered 2 stay in...watch movies in my pjs...drown in my self pity...and eat. yeah well i dont get wut i want...again.
things are kinda a lil weird between me and allen rite now. i no he likes me...hes liked me 4 awhile...but yeah um i dont like him like that...and he dusnt no i no. so its kinda weird. i dont want our friendship 2 get ruined over this...hes one of my best friends in the world. and i luv hangin out w/ him and all the football guys...and then him and everbody else. lol its great. but i dont want things 2 get weird. i really dont. cuz i luv him...like a brother i do...but agh. this just isnt good.
conway and cesar were really annoying last nite. cesars always annoying...but conway wus especially weird. and annoying. and i couldnt stand em. i wusnt in the mood 2 b tolerable last nite. but i couldnt tell em all wut happened and y i wus in a piss ass mood just cuz...ugh there wouldve been an 'i told u so' from cesar...michael wouldve felt bad...conway wouldve laughed @ me...and allen wouldve felt bad but secretly happy on the inside...and i dunno. i just didnt want all that damn attention 4 sumthin like that. so yeah i only told gracie, kristin, and kerri. and they all understood. i luv them. they really are the greatest. and missy 2. i luv em all. my friends are super.
kristins bday is in like a month and a week or so. agh! yay! me and kerri are makin all these plans and stuff...lol its gonna b so fun. kristins really suspicious...cuz she nos were gonna do sumthin 2 her...lol she just dusnt no wut cuz weve brought up a lot of different things throughout the year...so she dunno wut 2 expect. hehe im so excited...its gonna b so much fun. shes gettin a mustang...woo hoo...lol cuz there were no trucks in her price range. so yeah itll b awesum...shes gotta learn standard though :-( so eh i dunno...but shes excited so i guess its good.
ok my back hurts from typin so much so im gone 4 now. im hungry 2. so ill write later.
agh it feels good 2 get all that off my back. i can actually breathe. lol last nite i had trouble sleepin cuz i had all this on my mind...cuz i couldnt vent in my diary. lol its craziness...kinda pathetic...but agh it helps so i dont care wut u think. :-)
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