inadequate
Friday, Aug. 08, 2003, 6:03 pm
hi. sorry. i know its been awhile. havent had any real reason or inclination to update though...summer laziness hit its all time peak i guess. but now summers over *sigh*
i do have a reason to update, though. theres some stuff i wanna get off my chest. and id rather put it here than talk 2 people head on because i dont wanna come of accusingly...this is just my opinion. these are the 'vibes' that are coming my way.
today kristin lontoc (i called her) made a comment about how she just figured i was w/ my 'husband'...i dont think i really like that title for jeremy...but yeah she said thats y she didnt invite me bla bla bla. and kerri always complains about how i always spend so much time w/ jeremy and yada yada. and i admit that i spend alot of time w/ jeremy...i do...but...wut else is there to do? ppl tell me that i never call them and thats y we dont do anything. but really...i call them as much as they call me. i mean...part of the reason i end up spending so much time w/ jeremy is because i have nothing else to do. its not like the same ppl complaining about how lil they see me are calling me up and inviting me over or giving me another option besides sitting around w/ jeremy. so it makes me assume 2 things...a)they just assume that im gonna reject their invite and so they dont bother trying...which is really unfair i might add...or b)they really dont realize that im gone...or they dont mide that im gone...and thats y they dont call...because complaining about me not being around is a lot easier than callin and instigating anything.
B seems like a good choice for me as of late because...like kerri for example...i love her to death...so i dont get wut she has against me...but lately it seems like she has a problem with me or something...and she loves pointing out how im 'never around' or how yet again every1 was included in something and i wasnt. i dunno. and 1/2 of it makes me kinda mad...but im more upset about the whole thing. it really makes me upset. i mean kristin doesnt really call me up that much...but when she does or when i talk to her and end up hangin out w/ her...she seems generally happy/excited that im there. but i feel kinda like kerri likes not having me around. i feel like she thinks shes better than me now or something...i dunno.
it sounds ridiculous. i know. but its been bugging me for awhile and i guess it just hit me good and hard today. especially w/ kristin lontocs comment. or how everyone (kristin, kerri, and sally) showed up @ chilis to say hi but didnt even offer an invite to me before we left eagle express or once they saw us @ chilis.
its really really sad to believe that every1 doesnt really care that im not around. i mean i try and ive called ppl and stuff...but they dont seem to reciprocate any joy in having me around. or they think that if they invite me...theyr automatically inviting jeremy. thats not the case @ all. jeremy and i are two separate ppl. he hangs out w/ his buddies sometimes...but i seem to hang out w/ mine less and less cause they want me around less and less.
theres no part of me that just wants to say 'screw 'em'...i can do w/ out em...cuz i dont feel that way @ all. im really upset that as time passes it helps prove my depressing opinion.
hopefully ive got it all wrong and nobodys seen it from my perspective...or they think they understand. i dunno. and when this stuff happens...all this 'pushing away'...i get this really strong feeling of inadequacy...and last night i was trying to explain it to jeremy since besides kristin landua hes the only 1 that feels interested in listening to me it seems...and i started crying just cause it upset me so much. and i think i tried to cover it up w/ excuses and stupid on the surface bullshit...but i think today i really realized it all. i hate this. hopefully things will get better once school starts...but who knows.
im gonna have a good cry tonight. im soaking wet from the hail storm and i feel like shit...so im gonna stay in and have a really good cry...maybe fall asleep early. i mean its not like any1s gonna miss me anyway.
buh bye. i hope every1 had a great day!
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