sad
Saturday, Jan. 03, 2004, 1:06 am
theres nothing to do online.
but i dont want to go to sleep.
i dont want to cry myself to sleep again.
today was ok.
after i finally settled down and got ready...kevin and i went to get lunch @ schlotzkys or however u spell it. i appreciate that he went with me.
after lunch i went to the mall to return something...but ended up not returning it. so i walked around aimlessly for awhile trying to make an effort to find something to spend all my xmas gift certificates on but failed. so then i went to victorias secret just on impulse and theyre having a bra sale. so i looked around and tried on some and yada yada. i got 2 on sale...i like em alot.
only real good news of the day...
my boobs are bigger. i am a complete cup size bigger.
woo hoo.
ok im really not that excited.
after the mall i came home and didnt do anything. then my mama called and asked if i wanted to go 2 a movie with her. and i did. so kristin landua and i went with my mama to see cheaper by the dozen. it was a funny movie.
i love my mommy.
afterward we went to kristin lontocs house cause it was the thing to do.
we started watching cast away...and then turned on oceans 11...and then finally settled with the italian job.
after a lil while i couldnt take it anymore so i went to the bathroom and cried. jeremy took me and kristin to see that movie.
so then i finally got control of myself and came back out and laid with kristin on the inflatable mattress on the floor and i tried really hard not to make a fool of myself but i cried anyway.
so yeah we finished the movie and then just sat around and talked or what not. then a lil bit before we left kristin lontoc gave me my finding nemo back.
and i got really upset again.
finding nemo is 'our' movie...it technically belongs to both of us. and i was so upset. so once again i cried.
agh i hate making a fool out of myself to everyone.
everyone hates me for what ive done. including myself. i hate hurting people. i especially hate hurting someone i really care about.
i miss him alot. i mean our relationship wasnt really good anymore...but he still is. and i miss him...everything that he is. not everything that we together were becoming...but him.
kevin was really nice to me today. i assumed he knew. but i appreciate it anyway.
i really think matt j hates me though. like i really think he does. o well.
tomorrow morning im meetin my mama @ the Y so i can show her all the equipment and stuff and she doesnt hafta do it alone. were also gonna take a class together...for fun.
i wish i knew what was to come. these are the times that im dying to know...just so i have that reassurance that everything will be ok. like i always read the last page of my books to make sure the couple gets together...and then i read it. i hafta know that its gonna be ok. but in real life...u just hafta have faith that its gonna turn out ok...whats meant to be will be. yeah...these are the times that i really hate fate.
i dont wanna go back to school. i really dont wanna deal with any of it.
its in times of trouble you know who u can really depend on. like now...i just realize that some people really dont care about me as much as they pretend to. kristins really been there for me...like she always has been. and even kevin is reassuring just cause i guess mayb he understands. and my mamas been there for me and worries about me.
but...i dunno its my insecurities...but there are just some people who make it seem like they really dont give a crap if ur around or not. i dunno. i guess u cant expect everyone to give a shit.
its just not the greatest feeling when things already suck.
there are so many great things in the world. i dont want to feel like this.
but one of those great things is gone.
and only time will tell if its meant to be. or what is to come.
i hate time.
ok well i guess im off to bed. theres nothing else to do. i hope everyone had a great friday. enjoy ur last few days off.
smile as often as u want...u never know when u might not want to anymore.
Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden