egotistical
Friday, Feb. 20, 2004, 2:43 pm
hello.
went to bed last night intending to go to sleep. i didnt fall asleep until 1:15...i just laid there...tossing and turning. not even dozing in and out of sleep...just...miserable. and then i woke up again around 3:35. i hate restless nights.
i think it was mostly because my mom loves to bring up crap right before i go to sleep...like a pre-bedtime talk. i love her...but agh sometimes she really gets to me. she brought up the whole weight thing again and how she felt like i wasnt taking care of myself and she was afraid that was because i was too insecure to care. i guess shes never realized before recently how insecure i really am. and i dont think she likes it...so she thinks saying something will fix it. i dunno...i tried to explain it to her. i know why i think the way i do...and i know its not good...but i cant just change my process of thinking...it just doesnt work that way. ever since i was little ive been made to think that im wrong and not good enough...and even though i now know that his belittling nature is wrong...its too stuck in me to think of myself that way. she gets it...she just wants to change it. yeah me too. but her bringing it up all the time just makes me twice as insecure about it. its like...im an embarassment to her. not thin enough to be her daughter. and i know to that extremity that its not true...but thats still how it comes off. the fact that it seems like the only thing she can think about when she looks @ me is that tells me thats what everyone else thinks when they look @ me. thats a real blow. not so much that i care what other people think...it just accentuates what i already consider to be true about myself.
lol ok the whole point of that never ending story is that thats most likely y i couldnt sleep last night. that among other things...i just had way too much stuff on my mind that i couldnt shake.
lol valerie made a really funny point today in advisory. lol please be more desperate. its just...annoying to watch. who needs their ego inflated that much?...and who caters to that need? i mean honestly...its sad. sadly enough thats the way the world works.
i went to the pep rally today cause it was kristin landuas 1st pep rally for varsity softball. got to sit by myself. that was fantastic. just not 'kool' enough. y do people care so much about what other people think? isnt it exhausting?
michael lleyva did join me kinda in the middle of it though...and it was nice to have someone to sit next to. made it a little better. thanks michael!
i have work tonight and that sucks. noone fun. but @ least i dont have dishes.
today was a pretty good day. 4th period came around though and all the stuff i was thinking about last night came back and i couldnt shake it off. plus there wasnt anything else to do during advisory so i just had to sit and think.
hopefully i can take a nap this afternoon before i go 2 work.
all my hormones are acting up cause of my damn thyroid. im not really interested in going to the doctor though.
am i really fat? i mean...honestly. i know im not skinny or what not...but is it really that bad?
essay quiz in english today. that was nice. it wasnt hard though. @ least i didnt think it was. my response probably wont be 'what she wants'...but eh screw her lol.
physics test today was easy. i mean of course i say that and then ill fail...but i really dont see how that would be possible. mayb a lot of stupid mistakes? i dunno. it really was easy.
yeah...pretty easy day.
mrs. puckett was really nice today. i think she could tell that i wasnt havin the best day...so she made a lil extra effort. and that was nice. i like her alot.
ok well i gotta go pick up my sister. plus...i wouldnt want to "complain" anymore (even though i dont really think my personal thoughts constitute as complaints...?...) because it might get 'old' after awhile.
wouldnt want that now would we.
hope everyone has a great friday. enjoy the weekend too!
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