hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Friday, Feb. 27, 2004, 3:34 pm
today was such an awesome day until like...30 minutes ago.
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/02/27/opinion/27HERB.html
i got a 96 on the precal test i was a bit concerned about...so that was awesome. and i got a 96 on my history quiz...lol even though she gave us most of the answers there were still a few i was unsure of. (<--i ended the sentence w. a preposition. wrong...i know...but try and stop me)
so acid reflux. thats a new thing. no nausea like last year...just constant little burps (so little you couldnt really call them burps) that burn my throat right @ my adams apple area. took some nexium...the 'purple pill' that i have left over from last year...hope it helps.
why are some people so cowardly that they hafta say stuff behind ur back...instead of acting how they really feel to ur face. they act as if what they say is a secret...when its not...and pretend as if they have no bad feelings towards you...no thoughts against you. i hate that people fake like that. whats the appeal in lying like that? i dont get it. lol if you dont have the guts or decency to say something to someones face...then you really have no right to talk about them in the first place.
i got a headache during 6th and now its only growing. i want to fall asleep forever.
i dont know why i let him affect me so much. i know how he is and what he does is wrong...but i still let it bother me. i still get upset. as if i dont expect it to happen. ud think id learn by...ud think id become immune to it.
but im not.
i called him (my dad) to let him know i wasnt coming this weekend/week because im not comfortable with him. i feel like the captured enemy with him. i dont want to be there...be around that...so y should i be?
we of course got in a huge fight and he just kept going on and on. he said that me staying at my mothers isnt going to fix anything. we fight about the same stuff weve fought about the past 4 years. nothing is different. nothing has changed. he still doesnt trust me. he still doesnt respect me. nothing is ever good enough. because i cant become immune to that kind of disregard...i now degrade myself.
people may not understand and may think its wrong for me to 'abandon' him like that. they may say "yeah...all dads are like that. you just gotta tough it out." well i really dont care. people who dont understand choose to not understand. they either choose to not know and learn and be ignorant to the situation...or they choose to be unaccepting. either way it doesnt bother me.
i really do think he needs some kind of mental treatment. i mean...all jokes aside. i really think that some outside help might do some good. although i dont know if it would. hes completely impossible to get through to. he just doesnt see it. and i guess thats y its so hard to see if he tries or not. because he just doesnt get it...so its as if hes not trying. id like to give him the benefit of the doubt...but thats pretty difficult.
how can i be expected to trust and respect someone who doesnt trust and respect me? someone who has repeatedly gone behind my back and lied...got caught...and then denied it. someone who secretly called to check up on my story...and then when im told about it...denies it. hell ask the same question 4 times in the same conversation...just waiting for my story to change...waiting for me to slip up to prove my dishonesty. thats really...hard to deal with. and it may not seem like it would be that big of a deal...just something you could 'live with'...but u live with it for 16 years and tell me how u come out.
i think the part that kills me the most it to know that it will never change. i will never be more than just an 'at risk', dishonest, untrustworthy child to him. and i would love to just be able to accept that as the sad truth and move on...but i cant. im incapable of it. i dont think i should hafta prove myself to someone...but i hate being untrusted.
my mother went through alot of couseling to become healthy again. mentally healthy. thats when she finally realized how he was and got a divorce. i hope im not mentally unhealthy...or that i dont turn out to be. i hope that because ive been able to identify alot of the effect hes had on me...ill be able to disregard it and learn from it as opposed to being scarred by it.
i hate calling him and telling him i wont be coming. because he doesnt understand. and there is no way to explain it to him to get him to understand. and because hes oblivious to it...hes just hurt instead. and that hurts me alot. knowing that im hurting him. but there really is no other way.
ok i need to move on to another topic. i really dont wanna cry over this again.
i finished my book today! the ending was a bit dissapointing. not as 'nice' as ud want it to be...but the book was fantastic. i really liked it. alot. and im glad i allowed myself time to read.
this headache really isnt going away.
and im so exhausted.
lol despite my mood now...today really was a good day. dont let this discourage you. but a headache along with the encounter w. my father and my exhaustion have all reached their not-so-happy peak.
the new music in choir is fun. i really actually like it. and if we work hard enough @ it...mayb it will sound good. i hope it turns out to be something we can finally be proud of this year.
hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
dont you hate that you hafta hold certain things inside just because of the consequences they will bring. some things just hafta be held inside until the appropriate time arises. unfortunately...for some things there never is an appropriate time.
maybe thats what killed susan.
ok im gonna go lie down and try and sleep and alleviate this headache. have a fabulous friday! and enjoy the weekend!!!
Sing Me to Heaven
In my heart's sequestered chambers lie truths stripped of poets gloss
Words alone are vain and vacant and my heart is mute
In response to aching silence memory summons halfheard voices
And my soul finds primal eloquence and wraps me in song; wraps me in song
If you would comfort me, sing me a lullaby
If you would win my heart, sing me a love song
If you would mourn me and bring me to God,
Sing me a requiem,
Sing me to heaven
Touch in me all love and passion, pain and pleasure
Touch in me grief and comfort, love and passion, pain and pleasure
Sing me a lullaby, a love song, a requiem
Love me, comfort me, and bring me to God
Sing me a love song
Sing me to heaven
happy early birthday andrew! *surprise*
Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden