heart-wrenching dissapointment
June 10, 2002, 11:41 am
i want so many answers...but im afraid 2 ask the ?s. y dus it have 2 b so difficult...i thought 4 once it wus gonna b good. i thought id gotten a lucky break. i guess i counted my chickens before they hatched.
the gregorios get here on friday. 4 days...agh! im so excited...its gonna b so fun. its ironic though...as i type that i dont feel 1 ounce of excitement. it feels like 1 of the happiest points of them coming has been taken away. i mean dont get me wrong...im so happy 2 c them and hang out w/ em and go shoppin and stuff...but tonys been taken away from me. i mean not literally...hes still coming...but not all of him is coming. his heart will still b in florida...w. leah. the most heart-wrenching words came out of our convo the other day. he said "i really think i can c myself w/ her in 20 years. i really do luv her". once again i had high expectations 4 sumthin i never had a guarantee of in the 1st place. hes such a great friend...so i should b satisfied rite? i wish i was...cuz its more than i deserve neway. i was almost speechless when he said it. but of course i didnt show it...i couldnt let him no i wanted more from it...that just makes me look like a dream-filled loser just waitin 4 him. i dont wanna wait. im so sick of waitin. i want sum1 2 want me enough 2 wait 4 me. i want 2 b pursued...i want 2 b chased after...i want 2 b wanted. well i guess ill deal w/ the fact that once again hes taken...hopefully sumthin else will come along 4 me. sumthin better...sumthin thats true. will i ever get it? i dont wanna b the lonely woman sittin by herself in the movie theater...eatin dinner alone...sleepin by myself in a bed better fitted 4 2...goin 2 church alone...dancing alone...waking up every morning 2 find no one there w/ me. i dont wanna lead that life...i dont want 2 die alone. its such a depressing thought...but there are ppl like that in the world. if you know sum1 whos alone...give em a hug...its probably 1 of the only hugs theyll get in awhile.
so besides the tony dissapointment...theres another guy. i like him...but i dont...he says he likes me...but i can tell he dusnt. y cant he say wut he means. spare my feelings and just dish out the cold hard truth. thats easier 2 deal w/ than a leading-on lie. i hate being lied 2. and i hate being deceived and led on. boys r mean.
this is directed mostly 2 jared...who i am finally over...so no more annoying venting-sessions about him. its also kinda directed 2 sum1 else...i hope not 4 long though. c we had a great interesting positively informative convo last nite...but i dont truly believe all that he said. i hope this 1 works out 4 the best...cuz im tired of being sadly dissapointed. so here ya go...this 1s 4 u jared...
wait. stop. turn your head and out of the corner of your eye you'll see a girl who died the night she met you. You'll see a girl who did everything she did to try to impress you. You'll see a girl you never noticed, a girl you never cared about. You'll see a girl who prayed for you. A girl who found herself in you. A girl who learned a lot from a relationship that never even happened, outside of her mind. wait. stop. turn your head and out of the corner of your eye you'll see, for the last time, a girl who saw the world in you. A girl who's giving up. A girl who's walking away
Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden