its been 4eva i no...im sorry guys...its just been hectic...thanx 4 still keepin up w/ me and caring
Wednesday, Sept. 25, 2002, 8:42 pm
wow. its crazy that i used 2 do this everyday. now i barely ever get around 2 it. thand 2 those of u who r still holdin out 4 me...lol hopefully this one will b worth ur while.
yeah so me and jon are on a break. yeah. since last friday. supposedly it has nuthin 2 do w/ us...its just hes got a lot of shit 2 deal w/ rite now and he needs time 2 sort it all out. but wut i dont understand is if theres nuthin wrong w/ us...then y r we apart? i mean unless it has 2 do w/ another girl...or like a past relationship or sumthin. but that still shouldnt effect us rite? i no he needs time and he needs his space 2 think...but if nuthins wrong w/ us...then y? i just dont get it. i really dont. and its hard bein next 2 him knowin that he still really wants 2 b w/ me...supposedly. agh i dunno. i wanna believe him...and i do believe him. mostly. but wut i dont get is if he wants 2 b w/ me...then y r we apart if theres nuthin wrong w/ us? yeah i no its the same ? over and over again. but thats the only one i dont really know the answer 2. we talked sunday and he said it would b over and a day or 2. 2 days wouldve been yesterday...tuesday...yeah and were still apart. agh. i dunno. i wish i could just stop worryin about it. but heres the thing...if its still like this come homecoming...which is like days away...i dont wanna go w/ him like as his date. how am i sposed 2 enjoy myself and have fun w/ him like im sposed 2 and want 2 if he wont touch me and if were still like on an uncomfortable level? yeah. i really wanna go w/ him and everybody else...lol especially since i went through so much shit 2 get 2 go. agh. y are we apart!!!??? blah ok. ive gotta give him time...and ive gotta let him work this out. he said it wouldnt b long...and i no it hasnt even really been a full week...but it feels like its been 4eva. i want it 2 b like it used 2 b. i liked that...and i no he liked that. so y cant we have that? agh.
aw. mike is so0o0o great. hes such a sweet guy. like undoubtedly perfect. lol ok well almost perfect. lol but u no wut i mean...and im so0o0o glad him and brooke are like kinda 2gether...'dating' is the techinical term 4 it. if u watch friends...then ull understand this...but like he brought her a lobster 2day...hehe like a plastic 1. aaaawwww. "hes her lobster!" and like 4 their next date...he wants 2 order pizza and then take her up 2 a rooftop and eat w/ her there...just talkin and enjoyin the stars and stuff. hes so sweet. aaaww. lol ur good mike...ur really good. where are all the rest of the guys like mike? lol.
i realized that me and jon have never actually been on a real date. like just me and him. i mean like were 2gether w/ everybody...but its never just been me and him...ya no? like weve chilled @ his house just me and him...but that aint the same ya no? lol yeah. just sumthin i noticed. yeah...so...
rodney needs 2 get his fuckin act 2gether and figure out if he wants 2 b w/ kristin permanently or not. cuz rite now hes got her hangin on a string...not tellin nebody nething. and not makin ne moves. he needs 2 explain himself. lol or sumthin. cuz shes gettin a lil sick of waitin around 4 sumthin...especially if its never gonna happen. like i am 4 jon. agh.
these guys came up 2 me @ lunch yesterday while jon wus gone gettin food and asked if i had a bf. i said yes...but once they were gone mike told me i shouldve said no. i wish jon wouldve been there. i wonder wut he wouldve dun. and i wonder wut he wouldve dun if i had said no...i didnt have a bf...cuz @ the moment...technically i dont. mmm...food for thought. yes indeed.
kerri and adam are so cute 2gether. and theyr so happy. lol and i hate it. i mean dont get me wrong...im so happy 4 both of them...they both totally deserve each other and its great. but like...agh...she wus so happy w/ stuart and he treated her well...and now shes got adam...and its the same. its so good 4 her...and i no she deserves it...she totally dus. but its not fair! lol 4 once i just wanna b happy...and i no i wus there 4 awhile. but look @ it now...its gotten all fucked up yet again. like usual. its cuz im such a bitchy and crappy person...im teased w/ good shit and then its snatched away...its wut i deserve. but yeah its still not fair. im just jealous...i should really stop doin that.
i dunno wut were doin 4 hc now. jon wants 2 go w/ like a big group where most of his best buds are...but there aint enough room 4 kris, kerri, adam, and rodney in that group...plus adam and rodney say that they always go w/ jessica and so theyr goin w/ her this year 2. agh. its all falling apart. agh i just want it 2 b good and fun. please let it b good and fun!!!
i hope this break w/ jon ends soon. i wanna b able 2 hold him again...b comfortable around him again. cuz im still not sure how im sposed 2 b w/ him. its all so confusing!!! lol but yeah. i may like him alot...but im not waitin around 4eva...i cant hold out like this much longer. cuz its like affecting me in negative ways. just cuz im so confused and esfixiated (spelling?) on this whole situation that like ugh kerri said ive been extremely bitchy and irritative w. them...and i dont mean 2 i really dont...agh and i feel so bad. and mike says i havent been myself...agh so i dunno. i just wanna b w/ him. but i want him 2 work his shit out. so i guess ill have 2 wait. but yeah...no 4eva.
theres more shit goin on but im 2 lazy 2 write it all rite now. mayb ill get back in the swing of things and start writin again. i hope so...its helps alot...thanx 4 stayin devoted folks...ill ttyl.
homecoming plans are all screwed up...pray that it all works out!!!
another thing...if and when we do get back 2gether...am i just sposed 2 treat him like i used 2...or ease in2 things?...how the hell do i ease in2 things? agh.
Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden