luv me when im gone
Friday, Nov. 15, 2002, 5:09 pm
ok yeah i havent updated in awhile...so here it goes...
its a friday afternoon. and im doin absolutely nuthin. i really wasnt in the mood 2 b in 2nite. i actually wanted 2 go out. but the fact that i no no1s gonna call me 2 do nething kinda diminishes my desire 2 leave the house. im gonna love it when they call get online 2nite from bein out and b like 'so sarah wutd u do 2nite?'. agh w/e. ive been in such a...blah mood lately. ive been cryin all the time and i dont really wanna talk 2 ppl or b around ppl or nething. uh. i just feel so low...and alone. and i no im not alone...not @ all...ive got great friends that are always there 4 me...lol even if they dont always call. ugh but still i feel...alone...mayb cuz i wanna b...ive been distancing myself...but i feel like thats kinda wut i want. i kinda 4got 4 awhile my lil sayin...'im not gonna let it get me down'...eh mayb i need 2 rethink things. i no i do. im soul-searching...figurin out wut i want...wut makes me happy...cuz i havent thought about that and actually acted on it in a long time. ah. its just hard 2 figure out...as easy as it may seem. i dont even no who i am nemore...i dont no if i ever did.
u no it feels better puttin all of this out there...like solid...sumthin i can read 2 myself...i need 2 figure out wuts wrong.
ok. so i did those damn tests...and they found nuthin wrong w/ my stomach. fantastic as it may sound...it doesnt really help cuz i still dunno y i always feel sick. my mama keeps scaring me tellin me i may b lactose intolerant...and thats definitely not good cuz i live on milk and lactose products. i couldnt survive w/ out them. lol i almost died those 2 days i couldnt have milk! blah so if that is the case than 2 bad im always gonna feel sick...but @ least ill b satisfied. it mite b other stuff...we gotta c. ha o yes or it all could just b psycosematic...and its so reassuring knowing i make myself sick (<-- drenched w/ sarcasm). its actually very probable...considering i worry all the time and im not happy...mayb once i work on that ill feel better. but that dont explain y this all started in june...ah o well.
the damn 'L' key on my keyboard sticks and its annoying the hell outta me. yeah i thought u would wanna no that...
newho...
that chem test we took 2day wus so freakin hard. it blew my mind...yes literally.
im gettin really close 2 emperess fajita mama (ok yea 4 those of u who dont no...aka jessica mason). lately weve been talkin alot. i mean weve never actually specifically pinpointed our problems 2 each other...i dont think either of us even really no wut they are...but we talk...and 'were in the same boat'...and its nice knowin some1 else knows how i feel. i luv u emperess. chips ahoy.
mike and i talk all of the time. hes the only 1 who ever really calls me nemore. and he calls me devotedly everynite just 2 talk and c how i am...and i luv havin him around. ur 1 of my best buds mike...the bro i never had. and i mean that w/the deepest sincerity...mr. ceo of the big 'O' corporation. lol. u no i luv ya. but yes...thanks 4 talkin 2 me all the time. i like havin him call me everynite...it gives me a feeling of bein luved when ive sumwut lost that feeling.
jon and i still talk. its pretty much only when i call him though. and i feel pretty pathetic callin him...eh its just 1 of those stupid girl things ya no. but yeah i feel pathetic. and i appreciate him so much cuz ah hes helped like he wouldnt even no...thanx so much buddy...i luv u...blah but yeah still. he dont really call me nemore...and 2 him i kinda feel like im just 'there'...nobody really...just takin up air. takin up space. yeah i no i probably have no reason 2 feel that way...but i feel that way neway. blah. o well.
nick and i are becomin pretty good friends...and im glad. hes a really good guy...and im happy hes got jessica cuz i no she makes him happy...he deserves that. yay 4 nick. luv ya man. ur callin me lata. and yes ill burn ur cds...thanx 4 mine!
chovanec79: well you know what i think?
chovanec79: i think you can see that girl's nipples in that rain picture
thank u kevin.
i luv havin dsl. its a great thing. yes yes indeed.
ok yeah so 2nite i mite go 2 matt bryans since the rest of my friends havent called me. yeah im hurt but big deal. ill get over it rite.
the thing thats been most upsetting the past weeks is that i realized...ive turned in2 my father. the last person i ever wanted 2 b...i became. it snuck up on me. i hurt ppl i care about out of carelessness and its totally unintentional...but i still do it. so i gotta fix that. and i will. cuz i no the way he makes me feel...and i would never wanna make sum1 feel like that. never. and im so sorry if ive ever treated ne of u badly...even if it wus miniscule...im sorry and i luv u.
yeah ok im running outta thinks 2 babble about and this damn 'L' is really starting 2 bug me. so um ill update lata. i wanna stay dedciated!!! so i will...lol ill write 2nite!...as long as i come home! cross my heart! lol ok bye luv ya.
Lyrics from Savage Garden's Crash and Burn and are copyrighted to Savage Garden